Day 10

I only chewed 3 pieces of gun today! I thought about saying Fuck it all .. but i didn't!
i haven't checked in the with the other members of the quitters circle recently. I hope they are all doing ok. Anyway, thats my update.


on a side note: Erik, you post waaay to much. Ica and I decided you need to need to stick to 1 post a day. hehe

Current Mood: bored

Day: 7
Type of gum chewing: strawberry
Number of cigs smoked: 0
Number of people I have killed: 0

AT day 7, the craving are less and less. Now, it's mostly in my head that i need a cig. I have to break all the habits. Driving, eating, sitting and so on.
Thats all for now. Just wanted to update you all.
Wish me luck!

Current Mood: bouncy

It is day 3 smoke free. OMG I never thought i would see this day. I knew I was dependent on cigs, but I had no idea. I have to relearn how to do just about everything. Everything from eating, driving and even just sitting is wrenching. I have replaced my smokes with gum.. bubble gum, minty gum, spicy gum, nicotine gum, and even chocolate gum! Everywhere that i kept a pack of cigs, there is now a pack of gum. My coworkers, even my smoking coworkers are very supportive of my efforts. Anyone who smokes knows that quitting is the hardest thing to do.
At first I thought that since I quit drugs a while back, quitting smoking would be no problem. I was sooo wrong! It's even harder in my opinion. I have a choice about having drugs around me. But I can't help it if a complete stranger is smoking and walks past me. The lady who sits across from me at work, she smokes and I can smell the delicious aroma all day. This is the worst of all!

All I can say to all my friends who still smoke, join the quitting circle with Brooke, Sarah, Mike and I. It's nice having any of them to call when I really want a cig. We are in this together. The first thing you have to do when you are quiting anything, is remove yourself from the situation. And second, find some support. When I was quiting drugs, I had to remove myself from everyone who enabled me and i joined an anonymous group. Well, obviously, i am not joining smokers anonymous. Mainly bc I'm not sure if even a group exists. But I have my quitters circle. We joined together, worked out a plan and stay in contact all day. It's pretty great! We are thinking about taking up knitting. and the gym?... but we shall see about that lol
Anyway, wish us all luck!

And so i never have to ask Brooke what this song is called again,

Current Mood: determined

So, I decided on a fly to quit smoking today. Mike, Brooke and Sarah decided to quit, so I am joining the quitting circle. oh no... what have i done? If I am caught smoking, I have to pay everyone in the circle. This bites. So basically, if i smoke... i fork out a good chunk of my paycheck.

It's only been a short time, not long enough to crave the cig just yet.. so we shall see how the drive home goes.
I just bought $10 worth of gum, and mints.

so I am sorry if I am a little bitchy for the next week or so.

Current Mood: nervous

In a strange way...this reminds me of Brooke and I......

Current Mood: bouncy

I have been rather quiet these past few days. I have been rather contemplative about everything going on. trying to make sense of it all. my motto has always been "everything happens for a reason." I would really like to know the reason this time.
These days the motto seems to be.. "well.. now we know."

The other day my therapist reminded me of something I had written years ago. It is a list of things I want in someone. I am going to spend some time and update it and actually reference it from time to time. i am going to use it so that next time i meet someone that I think would be potential life-mate, I can reference it.
Everyone should make a list like this. It doesnt have to be all in depth.. if only just the basics really.
1. They can't be CRAZY
2. They can't have the herp
3. They must be self supporting
.. and so on...


I dunno. I've just been thinking about what is is I want out of life. I want first and foremost to stay clean off the crack. .. lol.. you think I'm kidding..
After that, i want to be on my ownand in my own place. Experience life as a poor single woman. I want to try new things, new people and new ideas. But not any crazy people.. crazy people BAAD!
I'm still weighing out the pros and cons of renting a room. But if I want to move out ASAP, who am i going to move out with?

Current Mood: bored

"All I Really Want" by Alanis Morissette

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...


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I don't know what to say tonight. i spent a good chunk of tonight driving around san jo/campbell/saratoga area with Brooke. Out of all the music we listened to tonight, this is the song i determined is the song of the week.

Current Mood: angry

Driving home last night from my cousins engagement party, i just wanted to be held. I wanted to know that every thing is ok... even though i have lost so much. At the party, my cousin seemed so happy and grateful for everything. He had all his family and friends there to support him. i started thinking about if i wanted to get my friends together right now, I couldn't. i don't think most of them consider themselves my friends.
I wanted to stop by where Brooke was so we cold have a cig, but thought better of it bc of the company she was with. It's wierd being the "bad friend."
People are just going to have there opinions at this point. I havn't done much to correct their opinion.. mainly bc this is all so dumb from my point of view. People have decided to hate me for whatever reason, even without getting my side of the story. One of the things that pisses me off the most is that no one even confronted me about ANYTHING. They just decided to not like me anymore. How can you do that? How can you form an opinion of someone if you don't talk to someone and get their view of the situation. If after that you still hate my guts, then so be it. I just don't understand people. I feel like setting the record straight here and now, but I feel its too late. No one is going to care. My words will get twisted and all meaning will be lost.

The wierd thing is... I would still help them out if they asked me too. 2 in the morning and I would be there.
I really don't know what to do at this point. Just say fuck it, or try to get these people back. I have never felt such a sense of loss.. it's depressing. I don't think I have the energy to make things right.

it's just sad how this all played out. All because of one stupid night. I don't even think I can express how angry with myself I was.. still am for all that. For this, i KNOW I am a horrible friend. I have appologized and beat myself dead ever since it happened. But no one cares to take that into consideration.
Maybe I will some day call those of you who hate me and try to set the record straight, but as for now i am too angry to do anything. Angry at people, and angry at the situation.
I never really thought I would lose these people, let alone lose them over something like this. Is it really worth it?

i don't know.. i think i might feel better of they just yelled at me. It seems so odd to have lost someone without having exchanged any words.

The irony in all this.. the one person all this revolves around.. is still talking to me.
I still have her. She means the world to me and I don't want to fuck this up with her. I know now that the world is against me on this one, so i just have to try harder.
I would do anything for her.. i would do anything for all of you still.
Hopefully this post is not taken the wrong way. I'm just so angry at this whole fucking situation.

The last few months i have been saying I am at my breaking point bc of the breakup with adam. Since then, it's only gotten worse. Every fucking day I talk myself out of fucking up and loosing my mind. It would be so easy to go back to old habits and REALLY loose all my family and friends. SO far, i haven't fucked up and done anything rash.


I could go on about all this, but I don't think anyone even reads this besides Brooke and Erik.

Current Mood: crushed

My therapist told me that i am handling things well considering my current situation.
It could just be that it's that time of the month again, or I could just be lying to myself.
I starting thinking about everyone today.. and I started to worry.
Someone sat me down and told me something today that I'm not going to be ok with until a doctor tells me otherwise. God, I hope she goes to see her doctor soon. My mental state can't take much more right now. I really can't loose her. She means too much to me.



I'm too restless to sleep right now. It's friday night.. er.. saturday now.. and all i have done is watch mike play monopoly. tonight was an epic failure. I should have just gone home at 11 like i usually do. Whatever.

maybe i will try to sleep. I have another long day tomorrow.

Current Mood: restless

Fuckin SAturday!! .. fuck ya! fuckin Saturday!!!! Saturday Fool! SATURDAAAAAAY!!!! Woooooo!!
... this went on all night....



no BITCH!- It's fucking FRIDAY!

Current Mood: awake

So, because I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, I am making a list of things I want to do this year. I know.. i am a little late. But here they are, in no particular order.

Things to do this year:

1. Road Trip up the coast of Cali with Brooke
2. Tahoe Trip with ALL my friends
3. participate in the FREE HUGS campaign
4. Become a Big Sister of America
5. Write a new song
6. Start a youtube vlog
7. Participate in Improve Anywhere

Current Mood: peaceful

I am back from London! . for those of you who knew I was gone. London was ubber fun, but very cold. I saw the big stones (stone henge).. my theroy.. aliens.
We went to Windsor Palace... I need to make friends with the queen.
If you ever got to London, you HAVE to go to the London Dungeon.
what else, ... I will try to post pictures soon.

SO now i am back... things are better.. and getting better everyday I think. Just as long as people don't piss me off. I found out my boss fired someone at work while i was gone! WTF! She was the coolest person there! whatever...

While I was in London, I was talking to my mom and my cousin about whats been going on with me since the breakup. I can't believe my mom.. she put a thought into my head that i have been trying not to consider. The thing is, I KNOW thats not what happened, but I have no proof. And in any case, I don't think it's anyone's business.

I'm just glad to back home with my people.

the clock is ticking away at my life
and i don't know if this is the right road tonight.
hold my shaking hand and never let go
I have a tendency to fail as i go.

Starlight burning my heart through my chest
i wonder if he thinks that i've done my best
Thunder rolls in and the earth shakes beneath me
Just open the door, wonder what I will see

Through the quakes and the shakes, the stars burn bright
A reminder of a time, there was dark and no light
I found poison and evil in the devil he swore
He would ease the pain, take the shame that i wore

Patience, courage and serenity, Thank you God, please
don't take me before i have all of these
Burn bright for me now, through these changing times
help me understand, take it one day at a time.

Current Mood: aggravated

i don't even know how to start this.. god, i wrote like 10 different sentences before i said fuck it. ok, anyway.. update! I am doing ok. I got into a spat with my mom yesterday and almost ended up leaving the house. I ended up crying for a while... it felt REALLY good bc I havnt been able to really cry yet. I have a little here and there, but i havnt fully let out my emotions. I still don't think i am done. I won't be for a while. There is just so much inside me that is itching to come out, but i don't know how to let it out.


I miss him terribly and want the best for him. It's my hope that everyone understands that although i initiated the breakup, I didn't do it out of anger and hate. I still care car him and always will. It makes me angry that there are people who think ill of me for some reason. To those people: You have no idea what you are even talking about.

Breaking up with him was one of hardest things I have ever had to do. I know it doesnt seem like it bc i seem so put together, but I am pretty much.. i don't know.. i am in limbo. I have put myself on hold until i find my feet and can continue on.


Through all this, I have learned who my true friends are and who never cared in the first place.
My aunt called me the other day.. she had heard from Ash. She wanted to know if i was ok. "i'm ok auntie, I've got my poeple." I truly love my beautiful beautiful people.

Current Mood: calm

So, for those of you who do not know, Adam and I are no longer together. I Don't really care to go into detail about it on LJ. In fact, I don't really want to talk about it. But for those of you who are concerned, I am fine. This past week, I have been really quiet.. not depressed, just quiet.
I am not going to let myself be depressed. BC if I do, I start to feel sorry for myself. Sure, there is a lot to feel horrible about. In the end, I feel that I did everything I could. Where am I going from here? I have no idea. There is no rush to get over all this at once... I know I can't.

I can't wait until the weather changes and it is warm again. skrew ya'll in your topical weather!!

Sitting at Tennant today with Brooke, I realised that I think i will be financially OK when it time to go to the UK. Sweet! My raise is going to greatly help feed me.

Woot! I got tickets to go see Charlie Murphy tomorrow! Should be fun... along with the Girls, a few of my coworkers are going as well.

anyway, just a brief update for those of you who care. .. BTW.. 2008 is our year people! Rock IT!

Current Mood: bouncy

Oh man, what a day! I went to work this morning and then took my first final of the week. After, i met up with Brookie and Steph and we got SuperTac..mmmm.... Then got a 16.9 ounce Redbull. Holy Mother.. thats a lot of caffine! We sat at our usual table at starbucks for a while until we got restless. Steph took off, so Brooke and I began our caffinated adventure! We went to the new Petco to look at the animals. They don't have cats or dogs, BUT, they sell chinchilas. They are so cute!
Then we went to target to look at video cameras... meh
After, we headed to Walgreens to get more caffine and brooke some mittins. Another Redbull and we were on our way... to Walmart! Woot! Brooke and I sat in the parking lot listening to Adam Sandlers, "peeper man" on my ipod. once inside walmart, we looked at more video cameras, but ... meh.
By the time i got to walmart, I could feel my heart beating, and my breathing started to become shorter and faster. i new i reached my limit of redbull. I don't know how they can sell that big of a can without putting a warning label on it.
OK, so not as exciting of a day as some people, but the Redbull helped make it seem more exciting.

To my suprise, I haven't crashed yet.

two more finals to go on thurs and I am done.

Side note... i need to fix my hair. Who wants to help?

Current Mood: restless

I had a an awsome time last weekend. For those of you who put it all together, thank you! You have no idea how much it ment to me. I felt really loved. Finally felt like i belonged somewhere. As you know, things have been sucky for a while now, and this really picked me up. I still have all my shit to deal with, but I am forever grateful. I don't think I would be able to get through all of this without you guys. Without you, .. god.. I would curl up into a ball and die. I hope we are always friends... BFFs Forever!! lol
I love you guys! I love how when I am sad, you pick me up and make me see the light. I love how, when I really need you, you are there no questions asked. I love how you see the bigger picture, not just here and now. I love how anything can be worked out with coffee. I love how when we are all together I can't help but smile.. or cry.. depending on the conversation. I love how you are there to save me from anything and anyone. ..I could go on... bottom line.. I love you. You are my brothers, my sisters, sometimes my lovers?... my family.


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For the first time since I was 12 I am actually getting into the whole christmas thing. Unfortunatly, I have missed ALL the christmas events so far. I missed the Mo Hill tree lighting, missed Christmas in the Park so far. I still want to go to the drive through light park thing is Los Gatos and I want to go see Santa at the mall. Brooke and I also want to take a drive around Gilroy and look at all the houses with lights up... shush.. I know we are corny shut up!
Anyway, school is almost over. YAY! I have the Gryphon party on Saturday. Sort of excited about that. Good food, good people.

Current Mood: grateful