Driving home last night from my cousins engagement party, i just wanted to be held. I wanted to know that every thing is ok... even though i have lost so much. At the party, my cousin seemed so happy and grateful for everything. He had all his family and friends there to support him. i started thinking about if i wanted to get my friends together right now, I couldn't. i don't think most of them consider themselves my friends.
I wanted to stop by where Brooke was so we cold have a cig, but thought better of it bc of the company she was with. It's wierd being the "bad friend."
People are just going to have there opinions at this point. I havn't done much to correct their opinion.. mainly bc this is all so dumb from my point of view. People have decided to hate me for whatever reason, even without getting my side of the story. One of the things that pisses me off the most is that no one even confronted me about ANYTHING. They just decided to not like me anymore. How can you do that? How can you form an opinion of someone if you don't talk to someone and get their view of the situation. If after that you still hate my guts, then so be it. I just don't understand people. I feel like setting the record straight here and now, but I feel its too late. No one is going to care. My words will get twisted and all meaning will be lost.

The wierd thing is... I would still help them out if they asked me too. 2 in the morning and I would be there.
I really don't know what to do at this point. Just say fuck it, or try to get these people back. I have never felt such a sense of loss.. it's depressing. I don't think I have the energy to make things right.

it's just sad how this all played out. All because of one stupid night. I don't even think I can express how angry with myself I was.. still am for all that. For this, i KNOW I am a horrible friend. I have appologized and beat myself dead ever since it happened. But no one cares to take that into consideration.
Maybe I will some day call those of you who hate me and try to set the record straight, but as for now i am too angry to do anything. Angry at people, and angry at the situation.
I never really thought I would lose these people, let alone lose them over something like this. Is it really worth it?

i don't know.. i think i might feel better of they just yelled at me. It seems so odd to have lost someone without having exchanged any words.

The irony in all this.. the one person all this revolves around.. is still talking to me.
I still have her. She means the world to me and I don't want to fuck this up with her. I know now that the world is against me on this one, so i just have to try harder.
I would do anything for her.. i would do anything for all of you still.
Hopefully this post is not taken the wrong way. I'm just so angry at this whole fucking situation.

The last few months i have been saying I am at my breaking point bc of the breakup with adam. Since then, it's only gotten worse. Every fucking day I talk myself out of fucking up and loosing my mind. It would be so easy to go back to old habits and REALLY loose all my family and friends. SO far, i haven't fucked up and done anything rash.


I could go on about all this, but I don't think anyone even reads this besides Brooke and Erik.

Current Mood: crushed