Sleep is for Woosies

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:32:57 GMT

just an update. until the 15th of may i will be house sitting in santa clara... so thats where i will be.. *sigh* waking up at 4;30 am is not fun. but i havnt been late for work YET. lol in other news.. on the 16th of may i am going to Washington to see my cousin Ashley graduate from the University of Puget Sound!! And then right after that I will be moving out of my shitting apartment and into a condo with a co-worker of mine! i'm super excited to be out of that place. My current landlord told me is is trying to evict the other tennants because of all the shit they do at the apartments.
If anyone wants to help me move let me know lol... I will be needing a truck of some sort to move all my crap. Or if you can just lend a hand that would be really helpful!

So all and all everything is working out for me right now! Usually this is a bad time of year for me, but things are looking good.. well as good as they can be. hehe
Still dating Brett and that's going really well! I just wish we lived closer... oh well. i guess I can't have everything heh.

As far as my work goes... yeah it's good. Don't have much to say about it. The company is growing really fast and we have run out of room to put everyone. We may have to have people sit on the floor pretty soon, or share desks or something. If anyone needs a job I can proly get you one. the hours are from 6am to 12. or 5am to 11. the hours kinda suck, but if u think about it, you have the rest of the day to do what you want.

Well that's about it for me I guess... see ya!

gross...

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 07:06:57 GMT

who else is disturbed by the new burger king "I like Square Butts" commercial?

Mondays Again..

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:31:59 GMT

again I say that mondays suck the worst. Shit really hit the fan in my head last night. I got home and started to lose it. That god Ash was there to talk to me. Aside from all my other stuff that has ben bringing me down, last night I found out that my brother is moving out of state. Oregon... In three weeks.
I am happy for my brother.. really i am. He is starting something new and exciting up there. But I can't help but worry about his wellbeing. When will we see him? He doesn't call very much as it is, and now he will be all the way up there.
I just hope he doesn't forget about us. I know I won't see him on my birthday anymore. Hopefully I will get a call. It would be nice.

I havn't felt this crappy in a while. But when shit hits the fan, it always hits hard. I am going to give myself a week to process my feelings. After that, I don't know yet.

today...

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 05:15:48 GMT

Mondays are just never good to me. ....
ok nm i wrote that last sentence a few hours ago..... today rocks my sock drawer.

New Apt!!

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 23:14:15 GMT

So, we are pretty much all moved in!! I love it here..not to pleased with my neighbors, but i guess i can't have everything now can I. I was up all night listening to screaming and yelling. Not to mention all day my other neightbors were testing out their new car stereo system.
If anyone wants to stop by, go right ahead, i'll be here.

Got the place

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 20:16:20 GMT

So Britton and I signed my lease today! We start to move in our crap on Sunday. The apartment is in Morgan Hill right near Morgan Hill Gas. Woot!

stress..

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:16:19 GMT

I find out if we get the apartment today or tomorrow. just a little pressed for money right now. .. a little stressed out lol.
not to mention everything else going on. Crazy family members, fueding friends and so on.
I might have to go the doctor in a few days for a wierd growth on my side. I dont know, but my mom almost screamed lol Hopefully it's nothing of concern.
I have the wedding coming up this weekend which means i am missing out our semianual pittyparty with brooke and steph. I will be there in spirit girls!
Other than that things are Peachy. lol

and a side note to Adam: next time you put your underwear on the wrong way... no ones needs to know, really.

Brilliant!

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 04:17:33 GMT

This put a smile on my face today.. the first and only.

4th of july... meh..

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 06:25:04 GMT

I knew this weekend was going too well. Don't you hate it when life takes a shit on your plans? Now i am going to end up paying a shit-ton for tahoe... i refuse to stay home for the 4th. It's just very disappointing. ahh! im pissed that i planned this trip months ago and now everything is falling apart.
ahhhhhhh!!

Watch the whole thing

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:30:12 GMT

BFD!!!!

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 01:14:35 GMT

Why is everyone bailing on BFD?!!!!!! I don't understand....

He ain't Coming Home

Wed, 28 May 2008 03:22:00 GMT

I've got the motor runnin on our weekend car tonight
waitin' for you to come home
As the minutes pass me by i think, "Did I tell him 6?
Or did I tell him 9?"
I got all dressed up for our night on the town
But I've got a hunch he's already there
How am i supposed to be his sweet company?
When here i am sitting on the roof of my car

Cus' heavens no, He aint comin home
No, NO he aint comin home
Lord knows he ain't comin home
Lord knows he ain't comin home
lord knows he ain't comin home
No, No, no, he ain't comin home

I got a phone call at 2:30 AM
"Hi Honey It's Chuck from down at the bar,
Could you be a sweetheart and come pick up your man?
I'm afraid he's a little too far gone"
I said, "Listen here Chuck, he ain't no man of mine!
His friends Jim and Jack are all he's got left."

Cus' I don't care where he go, but he ain't comin home
Don't care where he go, but he ain't comin home
Don't care where he go, but he ain't comin home
Don't care where he go, but he ain't comin home
Don't care where he go, but he ain't comin home
I don't care too much, no more
Cus' Heavens no, He ain't comin home
Lord knows he ain't comin home.

Day 10

Sat, 03 May 2008 03:11:35 GMT

Day 10

I only chewed 3 pieces of gun today! I thought about saying Fuck it all .. but i didn't!
i haven't checked in the with the other members of the quitters circle recently. I hope they are all doing ok. Anyway, thats my update.

on a side note: Erik, you post waaay to much. Ica and I decided you need to need to stick to 1 post a day. hehe

Day 7

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:54:06 GMT

Day: 7
Type of gum chewing: strawberry
Number of cigs smoked: 0
Number of people I have killed: 0

AT day 7, the craving are less and less. Now, it's mostly in my head that i need a cig. I have to break all the habits. Driving, eating, sitting and so on.
Thats all for now. Just wanted to update you all.
Wish me luck!

Day 3

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:50:00 GMT

It is day 3 smoke free. OMG I never thought i would see this day. I knew I was dependent on cigs, but I had no idea. I have to relearn how to do just about everything. Everything from eating, driving and even just sitting is wrenching. I have replaced my smokes with gum.. bubble gum, minty gum, spicy gum, nicotine gum, and even chocolate gum! Everywhere that i kept a pack of cigs, there is now a pack of gum. My coworkers, even my smoking coworkers are very supportive of my efforts. Anyone who smokes knows that quitting is the hardest thing to do.
At first I thought that since I quit drugs a while back, quitting smoking would be no problem. I was sooo wrong! It's even harder in my opinion. I have a choice about having drugs around me. But I can't help it if a complete stranger is smoking and walks past me. The lady who sits across from me at work, she smokes and I can smell the delicious aroma all day. This is the worst of all!

All I can say to all my friends who still smoke, join the quitting circle with Brooke, Sarah, Mike and I. It's nice having any of them to call when I really want a cig. We are in this together. The first thing you have to do when you are quiting anything, is remove yourself from the situation. And second, find some support. When I was quiting drugs, I had to remove myself from everyone who enabled me and i joined an anonymous group. Well, obviously, i am not joining smokers anonymous. Mainly bc I'm not sure if even a group exists. But I have my quitters circle. We joined together, worked out a plan and stay in contact all day. It's pretty great! We are thinking about taking up knitting. and the gym?... but we shall see about that lol
Anyway, wish us all luck!

And so i never have to ask Brooke what this song is called again,

I'ma quitting....

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:04:59 GMT

So, I decided on a fly to quit smoking today. Mike, Brooke and Sarah decided to quit, so I am joining the quitting circle. oh no... what have i done? If I am caught smoking, I have to pay everyone in the circle. This bites. So basically, if i smoke... i fork out a good chunk of my paycheck.

It's only been a short time, not long enough to crave the cig just yet.. so we shall see how the drive home goes.
I just bought $10 worth of gum, and mints.

so I am sorry if I am a little bitchy for the next week or so.

Foamy understands my frusteration

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 22:16:29 GMT

Music Therapy!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 23:38:21 GMT

In a strange way...this reminds me of Brooke and I......

Stayin' off the Crack...

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 02:05:32 GMT

I have been rather quiet these past few days. I have been rather contemplative about everything going on. trying to make sense of it all. my motto has always been "everything happens for a reason." I would really like to know the reason this time.
These days the motto seems to be.. "well.. now we know."

The other day my therapist reminded me of something I had written years ago. It is a list of things I want in someone. I am going to spend some time and update it and actually reference it from time to time. i am going to use it so that next time i meet someone that I think would be potential life-mate, I can reference it.
Everyone should make a list like this. It doesnt have to be all in depth.. if only just the basics really.
1. They can't be CRAZY
2. They can't have the herp
3. They must be self supporting
.. and so on...

I dunno. I've just been thinking about what is is I want out of life. I want first and foremost to stay clean off the crack. .. lol.. you think I'm kidding..
After that, i want to be on my ownand in my own place. Experience life as a poor single woman. I want to try new things, new people and new ideas. But not any crazy people.. crazy people BAAD!
I'm still weighing out the pros and cons of renting a room. But if I want to move out ASAP, who am i going to move out with?

I guess I'm not very "christian"

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 06:35:13 GMT

"All I Really Want" by Alanis Morissette

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...

------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know what to say tonight. i spent a good chunk of tonight driving around san jo/campbell/saratoga area with Brooke. Out of all the music we listened to tonight, this is the song i determined is the song of the week.

My decloration of being angry

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 16:37:58 GMT

Driving home last night from my cousins engagement party, i just wanted to be held. I wanted to know that every thing is ok... even though i have lost so much. At the party, my cousin seemed so happy and grateful for everything. He had all his family and friends there to support him. i started thinking about if i wanted to get my friends together right now, I couldn't. i don't think most of them consider themselves my friends.
I wanted to stop by where Brooke was so we cold have a cig, but thought better of it bc of the company she was with. It's wierd being the "bad friend."
People are just going to have there opinions at this point. I havn't done much to correct their opinion.. mainly bc this is all so dumb from my point of view. People have decided to hate me for whatever reason, even without getting my side of the story. One of the things that pisses me off the most is that no one even confronted me about ANYTHING. They just decided to not like me anymore. How can you do that? How can you form an opinion of someone if you don't talk to someone and get their view of the situation. If after that you still hate my guts, then so be it. I just don't understand people. I feel like setting the record straight here and now, but I feel its too late. No one is going to care. My words will get twisted and all meaning will be lost.

The wierd thing is... I would still help them out if they asked me too. 2 in the morning and I would be there.
I really don't know what to do at this point. Just say fuck it, or try to get these people back. I have never felt such a sense of loss.. it's depressing. I don't think I have the energy to make things right.

it's just sad how this all played out. All because of one stupid night. I don't even think I can express how angry with myself I was.. still am for all that. For this, i KNOW I am a horrible friend. I have appologized and beat myself dead ever since it happened. But no one cares to take that into consideration.
Maybe I will some day call those of you who hate me and try to set the record straight, but as for now i am too angry to do anything. Angry at people, and angry at the situation.
I never really thought I would lose these people, let alone lose them over something like this. Is it really worth it?

i don't know.. i think i might feel better of they just yelled at me. It seems so odd to have lost someone without having exchanged any words.

The irony in all this.. the one person all this revolves around.. is still talking to me.
I still have her. She means the world to me and I don't want to fuck this up with her. I know now that the world is against me on this one, so i just have to try harder.
I would do anything for her.. i would do anything for all of you still.
Hopefully this post is not taken the wrong way. I'm just so angry at this whole fucking situation.

The last few months i have been saying I am at my breaking point bc of the breakup with adam. Since then, it's only gotten worse. Every fucking day I talk myself out of fucking up and loosing my mind. It would be so easy to go back to old habits and REALLY loose all my family and friends. SO far, i haven't fucked up and done anything rash.

I could go on about all this, but I don't think anyone even reads this besides Brooke and Erik.

I worry sometimes...

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 08:32:13 GMT

My therapist told me that i am handling things well considering my current situation.
It could just be that it's that time of the month again, or I could just be lying to myself.
I starting thinking about everyone today.. and I started to worry.
Someone sat me down and told me something today that I'm not going to be ok with until a doctor tells me otherwise. God, I hope she goes to see her doctor soon. My mental state can't take much more right now. I really can't loose her. She means too much to me.

I'm too restless to sleep right now. It's friday night.. er.. saturday now.. and all i have done is watch mike play monopoly. tonight was an epic failure. I should have just gone home at 11 like i usually do. Whatever.

maybe i will try to sleep. I have another long day tomorrow.

Stupid Ass Drunk Girl

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 20:54:22 GMT

Fuckin SAturday!! .. fuck ya! fuckin Saturday!!!! Saturday Fool! SATURDAAAAAAY!!!! Woooooo!!
... this went on all night....

no BITCH!- It's fucking FRIDAY!

2008

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 08:07:42 GMT

So, because I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, I am making a list of things I want to do this year. I know.. i am a little late. But here they are, in no particular order.

Things to do this year:

1. Road Trip up the coast of Cali with Brooke
2. Tahoe Trip with ALL my friends
3. participate in the FREE HUGS campaign
4. Become a Big Sister of America
5. Write a new song
6. Start a youtube vlog
7. Participate in Improve Anywhere

I'm home

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 23:37:28 GMT

I am back from London! . for those of you who knew I was gone. London was ubber fun, but very cold. I saw the big stones (stone henge).. my theroy.. aliens.
We went to Windsor Palace... I need to make friends with the queen.
If you ever got to London, you HAVE to go to the London Dungeon.
what else, ... I will try to post pictures soon.

SO now i am back... things are better.. and getting better everyday I think. Just as long as people don't piss me off. I found out my boss fired someone at work while i was gone! WTF! She was the coolest person there! whatever...

While I was in London, I was talking to my mom and my cousin about whats been going on with me since the breakup. I can't believe my mom.. she put a thought into my head that i have been trying not to consider. The thing is, I KNOW thats not what happened, but I have no proof. And in any case, I don't think it's anyone's business.

I'm just glad to back home with my people.